The Macc Cam

Many of you who know the Youngquist family are familiar with our faithful English Springer Spaniel companion Macc. He got his name from the amalgamation of the kid’s names as well as Amy’s (Morgan Amy Carson Claire). He has been my constant companion for the past few years as I navigate life and has been Amy’s enduring gift to me and the kids. He has been a blessing in so many ways but foremost among them is his loving nature. Macc has never met anyone he doesn’t immediately want to welcome into our family or friend circle. His affection for anyone who is willing to greet him is overwhelming. Unfortunately, Macc has the worst case of separation anxiety of any dog I have known.

We noticed even as a puppy that he had a difficult time being left alone. His condition was always present but accelerated when we attempted to crate him during the workday when we were away. On a blistering cold night his first winter with us, I arrived home from work to hear him yelping in distress. When I entered the house, I was met with the pungent odor of excrement.

I approached the crate and groaned at the sight greeting me. Macc’s fur coat and paws were drenched in his own feces. He had worked himself into such a lather that he had diarrhea. His paws were also bloody and raw from scratching at the crate so vigorously. The crate, surrounding floor, and even the walls were covered by disgusting matter. I quickly formulated a plan to address the situation. I wrapped Macc in a towel and pushed his crate out of the house through our patio doors. I could not let him run around the house in his current state so I carried him upstairs and gave him much needed scrubbing. Afterward I gated him in the basement as I cleaned the floor and walls with hot sudsy water.

When I finally finished inside, I hauled his crate around to the garage and kicked myself for the ill-fated decision to move his crate outside in minus 10-degree weather. The wire on the cage was now covered with frozen dog crap. I spent the next hour attempting to clean the crate with hot water and a sponge and nearly froze in the frigid winter weather.

This incident lives in infamy in our family folklore. I was alone for this entire episode, but over the years various versions have been proffered as to my vocabulary during that incident. We never again crated Macc for fear of him hurting himself. We now leave him to roam the first floor. So far, he has only taken his frustration out on a throw rug by the back door.

We attempted multiple solutions including CBD oil, probiotics, and other anxiety drugs provided by our veterinarian in an attempt to calm his anxiety, but none worked to a great degree. Our concern for him eased as he grew older and seemed to do better with the ability to roam the first floor. but Macc still looks out our front windows for us for hours at a time. When he spots our car, he goes into a frenzy barking and running from door to window until we enter the house.

On one occasion, we accidentally left our back patio door open while we were out running errands. I soon got a call from my neighbor inquiring if we were home. “No,” I said “Why? Do you need something?”

He then informed me that Macc was sitting on the driveway looking very anxious. He kindly returned Macc to the house only to have Macc reappear on the driveway a few minutes later. Upon further investigation, Macc had clawed through the screen on our patio door to make his escape. From that point forward we intensified our efforts to ensure all windows and doors were closed before we left Macc alone in the house.

Shortly after this incident, Amy and Claire had left Macc alone for a couple of hours as they did some shopping. When they arrived home, Amy noticed the screen in our second-floor bedroom was clawed out. They realized they must have forgotten to gate Macc on the first floor. The car had barely stopped when Amy jumped out of the car and ran to the bushes below the window half expecting to find Macc’s broken body in the bushes.

Fortunately, Macc had enough survival instinct not to attempt a jump from the second-floor window, but the incident served as yet another reminder that Macc’s anxiety could only be contained not eliminated.

At some point, I installed a camera in our living room so that I can check in on him when I am away for more than a few hours. We, affectionately call it the Macc Cam. It provides me a level of comfort to be able to see that he is doing alright.

I have often wondered about the source of Macc’s anxiety. Whether it is his fear of abandonment, his feelings of isolation, or his loneliness, it is very real for him and impacts him physically.

Adjusting to life without a spouse, I similarly have felt a sense of abandonment and isolation from time to time. From my discussions with other bereaved individuals, I know my feelings are not unique. It is in those moments of isolation and abandonment that I find myself most vulnerable to my loss and grief.  I lament the loss of not only Amy but the future we had planned together. It has caused great anxiety in my life.

Over the past three years, I have wisely relied on friends and family to guide me toward a new future that I neither asked for nor wanted. Like the Macc Cam, they have looked in on me from time to time to ensure I am moving forward through grief to healing. I have been invited to social gatherings and most have gone out of their way to include me in their lives in some way.

When they check in on me this year, I hope they see a man rising from the ashes of loss and finding new joy and a promising future. I want to thank everyone who have used their version of the Macc Cam to check in on me these past few years. I love you more than I can ever express.