Sun Dogs

While I was walking the Camino Portugues last fall, I spent a good deal of time mulling over my deficiencies as a father the past three years. When Amy passed, my life was rocked to its core. I was concerned for Carson, Morgan, and Claire, but I was incapable of providing them with the support and love they so desperately needed from me during that time. It was difficult for me to focus on anything other than my own pain and just making it through each day. In Portugal and Spain, I made peace with the fact that I will be unable undo any emotional damage I may have caused them by my hiatus as their father.

I vowed upon my return that I would reestablish that steady presence in their lives and attempt to do better. Unfortunately, right out of the gate, that effort fell flat. I failed to recognize a situation where one of them reached out to me as they were faced with a difficult and challenging situation. I was distracted and viewed the situation from my own perspective instead of theirs. I was promptly taken to task by one of their siblings. Afterward, I vowed to not let it happen again. Since then, I feel like I have found a better groove.

A couple of months after the incident above, I received a phone call from Claire. She was shaken more than I can ever remember, which includes many of those calls from graduate school. Claire had been driving to Madison to visit Carson’s family on a Sunday morning. It had snowed the night before and the roads were just beginning to be cleared as she made her way west. Somewhere just across the Jefferson County line, her car hit black ice and she lost control as it careened into the freeway median (please note that this happened after I wrote the story Black Ice).

My first frantic question was “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

She was rattled but aside from some bruises from the seatbelt, unhurt. The car had hit the guardrail cables designed to prevent vehicles from crossing the median into oncoming traffic on the other side. It had accomplished its job but had done a number on Claire’s car. As I picked her up from the towing lot, I surveyed the damage to her car and counted my blessings that she was safe. The car was likely going to be a total loss. Fortunately, I have held onto both of my cars despite my need for only one. This allows me to lend one of them to any of the kids when needed.

Over the next few weeks, I helped Claire navigate the purchase of another car. At the same time, Morgan also had issues with his truck and needed the loaner car. Fortunately, he was able to stretch out his need until after Claire had procured her new car. He found a new vehicle quickly as well.

In mid-January, Morgan called me again to let me know he had made the short list for a new canine officer position in a local Milwaukee community. My initial gut reaction was one of apprehension. A canine officer goes through extensive training with their work animals, but they are not pets. They are trained to sniff out various drugs as well as bite suspected perpetrators in the field. Adding a work dog to his life would cause a disruption to his routine and lifestyle.

I set aside my reservations and offered my support for his efforts. A few days later he called to tell me he had been offered the position. He was very excited and would be attending a five-week training class beginning in mid-January. He asked me if I could take Beau, his rescue dog he adopted during Covid, for a few weeks while he gets acquainted with his new partner. I readily agreed. Macc and Beau get along quite well and our family jokes that Beau is Macc’s therapy dog. His anxiety is more manageable when he has Beau for company. Leaving them together actually makes my anxiety about leaving Macc better. A win/win scenario.

Late last year, Carson and his wife Hayley were blessed with the birth of Greyson, my first grandson, on Halloween. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not dwell on the details of their story (it is not mine to tell), but it has been a challenging few months for them. I am incredibly proud of how they have navigated a very stressful beginning to their roles as parents. During this time, I have attempted to project Amy’s positivity and encourage them whenever I can. I am convinced Amy is watching over the three of them and rallying their friends and family in support. From what I have observed, Greyson is in extremely capable hands, and he couldn’t have more loving, attentive parents.

Recently, I was driving to pick up Claire on a frigid but sunny morning. As I traversed the local streets leading to Claire’s condominium, I noticed sun dogs flanking the bright sun against the crystal blue sky. Sun dogs refer to halos or rainbows caused by the refraction of sunlight by ice crystals in the upper atmosphere. They appear on each side of the sun at approximately the same height as the Sun above the horizon and are typically seen when the sun is closer to the horizon.

Being an astronomical nerd, I recognized them right away. I have never seen sun dogs quite as large and as vivid as these. In medieval times, sundogs were viewed as a sign of the holy trinity. More modern superstitions purport them to be omens of good luck.

As I observed the prisms of light from the sun dogs, my heart filled with love for Claire, Morgan, Carson, Hayley, and Greyson. Maybe, just maybe, I have begun to redeem myself for my deficiencies these past three years. It is my hope that those sun dogs bring me a little luck and give me additional opportunities to be the father I’ve always hoped I would be.