Deja Vu

During high school, I did not date. At the time, I had a variety of social insecurities and deep anxiety that kept me from engaging with the opposite sex on any level. My homecoming date my senior year, in retrospect, could only be classified as a mercy date. You know the kind. . . where the other party just did not have the heart to say no but really had no romantic interest in you.

When I arrived at college, I did not fare much better. My freshman year, I tested the waters and was in a relationship for a short period of time before the other individual decided that it was not a good match for her. During my sophomore year, I set a personal record for being stood up. I was stood up on seven consecutive dates. In retrospect, the first few times were probably my fault from a lack of specificity and clear communications on the time and place of the supposed date. By the end of the streak, I could not use that as an excuse. Each time, the pattern repeated itself, it felt like déjà vu.

The last date in the streak was extremely embarrassing. I had asked a young woman, Michelle, to attend a Gopher hockey game with me. I made sure to give specifics as to the date and time I would pick her up. Because she shared her address with me, I was confident that this date would end the streak. I arrived at the appointed date and time and was greeted by her roommate at the door.

“Oh, Michelle isn’t here right now. Maybe she is running late. Do you want to wait for her?” she said.

In the era before texting and cell phones, my only choice was to wait. As the minutes dragged on, the roommate understandably became uncomfortable, and I finally mustered as much dignity as I could and left. I headed back to my dorm room in a sour mood.

Later that semester, I finally broke the streak and had some success dating. I was even in a relationship for a few months over the spring and summer. A few years later, I finally met Amy. When I flew into to visit her in Milwaukee, I had those awful thoughts of déjà vu again when Amy was late picking me up from the airport. Fortunately, those thoughts were fleeting when she finally arrived from her training that had run late.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a discussion with a fellow widow. She lost her husband to cancer several years ago and was wrestling with some of the same issues I had recently struggled with as well. She asked me a very poignant question that had not occurred to me. “Are you afraid of getting in a relationship and having them get ill again?”

I paused. Cancer is a monster. Losing someone you love to this terrible disease is indescribable. The pain, sorrow and grief become a part of you. Having to endure it for a second time with someone you care for would be unfathomable. I chose my words carefully. “I had not considered that question.” I replied. “We can never know the timing of our lives and of those we care for” I said.

“For me, I would view it like this. If my time with this person was short, whether it was me who left or them, I would hope that the time we shared would be filled with joy and happiness. I believe it would be better to experience that for a few months or a few years than to pass on a chance for happiness out of fear of another loss.”

We talked through the issue for a time, and I hope my perspective was useful. Afterward, I began to contemplate my answer. How would I deal with déjà vu if history were to repeat itself with the loss of another individual I cared for deeply?

Fear can be a powerful motivator for good or bad. I think, however, that fearing déjà vu of tragedies in our lives, offers a life dominated by doubt and regret. It takes courage to put those feelings aside after such a monumental loss, but I believe my first reaction is the correct approach for me.

Life is filled with wonderous and surprising opportunities. If fate is to repeat itself, I am confident our lives would be enriched by the time granted us. I encourage all who have walked this path to not let the fear of loss rule or diminish that time. Instead, embrace the unknown with courage and hope.