Decades

This past Saturday night, I had no plans. It is one of the few weekends I had left open on my calendar, and I quickly remembered why I have so few. Even after a very hectic week, it left me melancholy and sad.

There is something about being alone with my thoughts on a Saturday night that seems unnatural. For those lucky enough to have a life partner, a weekend night with nothing on the schedule is treasured. It provides time to take a deep breath from life and catch up on just the two of you.

As I watched the University of Minnesota upset the then ranked #11 USC Trojans in football, I contemplated my new undiscovered life. I’ve tried very hard to envision what it looks like with limited success, but I’ve avoided an obvious question. Do I want to spend it alone?

It has now been more than two years without Amy, and I still cry in an instant when something triggers my grief. My heart even now overflows with love for her. But the thought of spending another decade or two alone without companionship is daunting.

I am not sure I am ready for that type of change, but if I were to open myself up to that possibility, I fear I would be lost. It is a very different world than when I last travelled that path.

I imagine it is challenging to try and meet someone as an older adult. As young people, Amy and I grew together and matured together. It is how we became so in sync in our daily lives. It is hard to imagine how that could happen now that I am older and have a very different lifestyle and goals.

Pushing myself to explore new experiences has been a positive challenge, however. I am proud of the progress I’ve made on that front. Next year, I will be spending a month in St. George, Utah. It is a great location to expand my love of hiking in Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon National Park, and several National Monuments and Recreation Areas nearby. Pickleball also seems to be popular in this area with numerous courts for open play.

In addition, I hope to walk the Camino Portugués with my friends Sue and Pete. We haven’t ironed out the details of this trip yet, but visiting Portugal has been high on my bucket list for a very long time. This seems like the perfect way to experience the country and its people. Whether we decide on a 200- or 300-mile pilgrimage, I am sure it will push me out of my comfort zone once again.

That nagging question remains, however. If I am blessed with longevity in life, how will it look?

The movie Forrest Gump contains many nuggets of wisdom. I have been noodling on one quite a bit lately. At the end of the movie Forrest contemplates life and states, “I don’t know if we have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze, but I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both are happenin’ at the same time.”

Without clear insight, perhaps I need to be that symbolic feather from the movie. Maybe “floatin’ accidental-like on a breeze” has merit. Maybe it’s best to just let life happen and embrace what it offers me each day. Peace my friends.