Peace with Solitude

Shortly after graduation from the University of Minnesota, I moved to Washington DC to begin my career in association management. Being young and naive, I had no plan and very little money to get started.

Fortunately, I had a friend step up who helped me get established. He allowed me to stay in the house he shared with a few other recent graduates that all worked in the DC area. He introduced me to several individuals who worked on Capitol Hill and offered excellent advice on how to build a career network. In addition, they directed me to an organization that did political polling in the evenings that allowed me to bring in some money while my job search progressed.

After several months, I rented a room in a house just a few blocks from the United States Capitol and Supreme Court. I started by accepting a nonpaid internship with a member of congress that eventually turned into an opportunity to join his staff as a Legislative Correspondent. In essence, I responded to letters, phone calls, emails, and post cards to the congressman on all legislative issues. My first full year on the job I sent out more than 15,000 personalized responses.

Relocating more than 1,100 miles from my roots in Minnesota was an adjustment. The most impactful change for me was the total lack of a support group. It is a lonely path when you choose to leave friends and family behind to start a new life. Most of the individuals I considered friends were also laser focused on their budding careers which left little time for socializing. To compound that, the pay for aides such as myself was extremely low and left little to no extra funds for social engagements.  We were paid only once per month and I remember vividly counting down the days to payday so I could afford to buy meat for dinner.

I was able to move around the city easily and quickly using the Metro, Washington DC’s subway system. When I had the need to stray to areas not serviced by the system, I could easily hail a cab to move about. Not having a car, however, prevented me from straying too far from the metropolitan area.

My life there was extremely lonely. Most everyone was focused on their own careers, applying to law schools, and studying for various entrance exams such as the LSAT, GRE, or GMAT. Even after two years in the area, I counted only a handful of people as friends. As a natural born introvert, I struggled to build friendships and constantly battled loneliness. Most of my free time was spent taking in the tourist attractions alone along the mall or finding a niche somewhere to read. Over time, I was able to make peace with solitude.

When I moved to Missouri for another career opportunity, I was much better prepared for the loneliness and solitude it presented. But shortly after that move, I met the love of my life, Miss Amy, and my life took a very different joyful trajectory. I was fortunate and blessed to have 32 years with this wonderful, beautiful, kind, and wise woman.

With your spouse, it is easy to take for granted the fact that you are never alone. They are with you when you wake up and again when you lay down to sleep each night. In between, your days are filled with work, social activities, meals together, or time with family. Your routines become comfortable and easy. Each day starts and ends with the person with whom you have chosen to share your life.

Then the unthinkable happens. Your spouse gets sick and you are forced to endure watching their illness rob them of their health and vitality. For some widows and widowers, it is much more sudden. In either case, having your soulmate ripped from your life and suddenly being left alone is a shock.  I am fortunate to have an awesome family and many, many wonderful friends. But day-to-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute most of my time is spent alone. After 32 years with someone by your side, the jolt to your system is like a sucker punch to the gut.

Each day I grapple with loneliness and solitude. I have done my best to combat  the loneliness by increasing my activity. I hike, play pickleball, travel, go on social outings, or curl to minimize my alone time and provide me with new experiences. But the first and last hour of my day can be torturous. My mind swirls with a million thoughts and memories.

Every night for the past two and a half years, I end each day by whispering to the darkness “Goodnight love of my life. I miss you.” The silence afterward is deafening.

Some days are better than others, but I believe I am making progress and slowly getting stronger. I just try to keep moving even if it’s lonely. I know I can’t have my old life back. Once again, I must make peace with solitude.